"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
James 4: 7-17
These verses just stuck out to me today. I don't mean to put up so much scripture or make any kind of statement about this. In fact, I rarely read my Bible but wonder and think about it everyday. Today I read this and it is encouraging during the times we are living in.
I so often just sit at work, I have all this work to do, I feel anxious, but instead I freeze and just sit and think about so many things, or try to think of something to look up online to distract me, then I end up getting way more anxious. It is usually thinking about stuff like money, what am I doing with or for my family, what am I doing here, how did I end up here, why can't I write songs that I want to write, why does being a musician, or wanting to, feel like such a curse, why do I always compare myself to others or care what they think, why are politics so scary, why is religion so confusing, why won't I stop smoking, why is it such a big deal, bla blabla blabla. you know how it goes. Usually days like this, quite gloomy, come after being with friends that are like family and then all the sudden I am alone and quiet while my kids are at school and my wife is out. How hard is it for us to trust God and not worry about tomorrow? How hard is it for us not to judge? Life definately is not simple, all the priorities we make, but is it simple to love one another and not to judge? I am excited to raise my kids with an attitude of honesty. not like i won't do my best to teach them with discipline and guard them from things they don't need to know or see yet, but justto lead by example of who we are and why we need Christ. to be christlike is not to be sinless, but to be needy and dependent on Christ. at least thats what I think. why can't I have strong spiritual and political views and dominate in debates and arguments? why am I so annoyed and turned off by that? Even more, I am so annoyed with myself and everything I just wrote. I worry that people will think I am doing bad or look down on me. That is so ridiculous. Truth is, I think we are all so lucky and blessed. The things we do, the friends and family we have, this country... Its just naked honesty. As usual I want to delete it, but I can't! dangit! I'm not gonna re-read it, just post it. everyone's gonna think I'm stupid. Just kidding, but really.
While we're being so honest, here is a song I wrote a while ago, one that comes out when you are feeling the worst but have to write it down and let it be what it is:
My life is heaven and my head is hell
these songs do nothing, say nothing, mean nothing
there is no cure, no pill, no drink that can get me out of this
can't express a thing
sitting on the back porch watching the smoke
travel up my nose and into my joke
looking through the neighbors' filthy windows as they cook their drugs
and wondering if they're jealous of me, wondering if they've had enough
middle of the night and i'm on the stairs
staring at the wall and the picture frame glares
posing myself for a video
knowing that i'm sorry but i won't let go
knowing i'm pathetic but i can't let go
casting up prayers to a shiny moon
trying to be honest when i talk to you
the devil tells me that i'm fake, god knows if i'm real
the voice i legitimize is the love i steal
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6 comments:
I dont think your alone in those things you just voice them and I dont, a lot of other people dont. I have always appreciated your honesty and character. you are a great man and father josh. you are doing the greatest things you could do with all those things...struggling through it knowing that you dont have the answer but looking to the one that does. I miss you good friend and hope that you keep working it out.
I just sat on my porch smoking a pipe, while thinking the same kind of thoughts and I agree with you.
jim
josh i respect you a lot; especially in the sincerity with which you write these things. i don't think this post was dumb, we all have those thoughts, its just that most of us won't admit it to ourselves.
i agree 100% with peter josh. i love and miss you too. good to be able to read your thoughts on here again.
both movies good. Burn after reading is really entertaining. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a great comedy. but neither movie should be scene with Kids around.
it was great getting a message from you. i hope you and your family are well. remember, your life is always engraved in the lords hands. he loves you and loves whats best for you in everything you do. blessings to you brother.
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