As a Journey

These are my inspired thoughts and feelings from Tims last post. This is not going to sound intellectual and I am not good at creating clever phrases, but it is what it is. I have been coming to a point of starting over in a way, not necessarily with my faith in Christ but more with knowledge in how i live my life in Christ / where i stand i guess. i may be walking away from the type of ministry i have been trying to commit whole-heartedly to and seeking God in His word alone, from a fresh perspective as best i can. this type of thing is always hard to explain and sounds very repetetive in our christian lives, but i read something about David - following HARD after God's heart, i dont think it is something that we come to a point of completion with, so this kind of pursuance should be consistent, i hope it to be in my life.

I was talking with my brother about the diversity in different churches today between those who are strictly bible based and in some way or another conservative i guess, and modern churches who seem flashy and 'have it your way', attempting in any way to please people in order to show them Christ. dont get me wrong, there is alot i dont know or understand, but this is speaking from what has caused my recent hunger for more up to now. I have always been so torn between different "doctrines" and beliefs, even though "The Church" refers to Christians as one body, in our worldly nature we split apart in many ways.

We were also talking about - and this may just be me - spending alot of our lives feeling self-doubt, like Tim was talking about. I always convinced myself I could never really know or understand as much as those around me that seem more ambitous and intellectual, with spirituality/politics/music. so it seems we never really pursued any of that to our fullest. self-doubt/unmotivated is me. well i think God wants me to trash that notion and follow hard after His heart. that is my faith, and from there i ask for wisdom. My motivation changes in different ways as I mature, probably true for all of us. But i dont want to go in circles. And i dont want to forget how God has captured my heart, how His love is what changed history. I watch all these different speakers, and I always pick out the ones who have a firm foundation in their testimony and message, they travel around with the same message, and you can tell that it is the holy spirit they depend on, just sharing God and not finding all these ways to interperet to easy-listeners.

I am having a hard time with this at our church now. for the last year i have decided to ignore criticism in the church, but it has taken its toll as well. as a worship leader i believe in giving God our praise through music and encouraging others to do so at the same time. but when we seem to be doing this ministry just because that is what churches do with their youth, not because we are actually excited about something and want to share with kids (let alone not really using scripture), then the worship becomes stagnant, and I hate nothing more than doing that half-ass. it becomes pointless and i cant figure out why we do it other than because it is the norm.

I think to follow God is not to become settled and content, but to continue life as a journey after God's own heart. To follow is a continuous action. I have never viewed the bible as important as i am now, and i sort of understand more now the importance of Gods word in my life. So i am seeking him in his word. I actually started reading from Genesis 1 about 3 years ago, and after reading most chapters over and over, i am to the end of Exodus. I also started in the Gospels the same way. I cant believe how much i've learned that i never knew or understood after growing up in the church. In order to truly seek Him from my own heart the ministry in my culture that has been confusing and hurting me may need to be put aside so i can gain fresh perspective. i still dont feel completely confident in what i am saying, explaining my passion best i can... so it is best put this way: "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24