i cant say what i wish i could say, or what is going on or what is on my mind. i just cant and i dont know why. it is so personal its to hard to explain like everyone else does on their blogs. everything you're all going through. some people are honest and journal on here, and others sit and think about what to say or post to sound clever, funny, intellectual, like they got it all together. i, in my life up to now, have felt so distant from everyone i know and i cannot be convinced even with endless conversations with loving friends, that anyone could ever understand. i have written pages on here and erased them so many times. but it really is such a more productive thing than i realize, blogging to our friends, it is so much more interesting to read an honest from the heart entry than some catchy clever stuff, which is ok. we talk about our spirituality, i feel like i've been in a spitiual fricken blender. a good friend told me spirituality is loving God and loving others. we search for "his will" for our lives, when that is it, his will for us is to love like him. and music, the endless race, i cant figure out where all the glory is going. who is glorified in your music? is everyone really writing music because it is the only way they can express whats dying to get out of them, or is it worthless? what is it worth anyway, whats really important? i feel like i am losing my mind, i wish i could tie it down and understand, be motivated. and now i am talking like the attention-grasper, but honestly, i am just trying to speak whats on my heart. i want to erase this because i am afraid people will think i am wrong, or annoying, or bitchy, or whatever, as always, but i am going to click publish post before i can stop myself.