Captain Love

i just got the entire new mock orange from the #1 man isaac chan. every time i hear a new mock orange i am set back again. definately one of the only bands that brings me such sweet joy and good feeling. anyway, i dont even think they will release it in america because for some reason the japanese seem to have a better understanding of quality music. if you dont have one, GET one!

The Pirates & The Mermaids

That was our title when we did coffee house shows in college, but this is referring to our Halloween experience this year. Click and Flick.

RHNYCOTM

Just watched our old friend Ryan Hall win the NYC Olympic Trials Marathon. He gives the Glory to God crossing the finish line (Steve Taylor style). He's going to Beijing next year to compete in the Olympics. I grew up watching him run across town to and from school everyday (looking out the window while we were driving listening to At The Drive In and damaging our lungs with chemicals and smoke). crazy, crazy times. Big Bear's own. Amen.

As a Journey

These are my inspired thoughts and feelings from Tims last post. This is not going to sound intellectual and I am not good at creating clever phrases, but it is what it is. I have been coming to a point of starting over in a way, not necessarily with my faith in Christ but more with knowledge in how i live my life in Christ / where i stand i guess. i may be walking away from the type of ministry i have been trying to commit whole-heartedly to and seeking God in His word alone, from a fresh perspective as best i can. this type of thing is always hard to explain and sounds very repetetive in our christian lives, but i read something about David - following HARD after God's heart, i dont think it is something that we come to a point of completion with, so this kind of pursuance should be consistent, i hope it to be in my life.

I was talking with my brother about the diversity in different churches today between those who are strictly bible based and in some way or another conservative i guess, and modern churches who seem flashy and 'have it your way', attempting in any way to please people in order to show them Christ. dont get me wrong, there is alot i dont know or understand, but this is speaking from what has caused my recent hunger for more up to now. I have always been so torn between different "doctrines" and beliefs, even though "The Church" refers to Christians as one body, in our worldly nature we split apart in many ways.

We were also talking about - and this may just be me - spending alot of our lives feeling self-doubt, like Tim was talking about. I always convinced myself I could never really know or understand as much as those around me that seem more ambitous and intellectual, with spirituality/politics/music. so it seems we never really pursued any of that to our fullest. self-doubt/unmotivated is me. well i think God wants me to trash that notion and follow hard after His heart. that is my faith, and from there i ask for wisdom. My motivation changes in different ways as I mature, probably true for all of us. But i dont want to go in circles. And i dont want to forget how God has captured my heart, how His love is what changed history. I watch all these different speakers, and I always pick out the ones who have a firm foundation in their testimony and message, they travel around with the same message, and you can tell that it is the holy spirit they depend on, just sharing God and not finding all these ways to interperet to easy-listeners.

I am having a hard time with this at our church now. for the last year i have decided to ignore criticism in the church, but it has taken its toll as well. as a worship leader i believe in giving God our praise through music and encouraging others to do so at the same time. but when we seem to be doing this ministry just because that is what churches do with their youth, not because we are actually excited about something and want to share with kids (let alone not really using scripture), then the worship becomes stagnant, and I hate nothing more than doing that half-ass. it becomes pointless and i cant figure out why we do it other than because it is the norm.

I think to follow God is not to become settled and content, but to continue life as a journey after God's own heart. To follow is a continuous action. I have never viewed the bible as important as i am now, and i sort of understand more now the importance of Gods word in my life. So i am seeking him in his word. I actually started reading from Genesis 1 about 3 years ago, and after reading most chapters over and over, i am to the end of Exodus. I also started in the Gospels the same way. I cant believe how much i've learned that i never knew or understood after growing up in the church. In order to truly seek Him from my own heart the ministry in my culture that has been confusing and hurting me may need to be put aside so i can gain fresh perspective. i still dont feel completely confident in what i am saying, explaining my passion best i can... so it is best put this way: "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24

Click & Flick

P i C t U r E s


fromst our vacation


in particular order

weekoff

so here we are on our little vacation this week. its been a blast so far. spent 2 nights at matt/ambers, got to hang with tim/shauna isaac/chan brandon/v there sat night and did some cruising in pasedena yesterday. loved being there. today we went to legoland which was awesome, the day went perfect other than the tail-gating ticket i got about 10 seconds from legoland. i dont think i was tailgating anymore than anyone else. but i look like a real troublemaker with my wife kids and suv. so we checked into our hotel in san diego and they hooked us up with the exec suite, so now we're sitting in this awesome hotel room with the ocean outside eating sushi with complimentary wine, watching HD baseball on tv and building a tractor with owen that he got at legoland. feeling pretty spoiled. tomorrow we hit up seaworld, i'm an amusement park dork, whether they are popular or not i love them all, so i'm hving a good time. we used to draw and plan entire parks, even where we were building them. esme seems to be the same way, we have been working our way through the park maps together. it used to make me so excited as a kid and watching my kids do it is even better. i'll post some pics later on.

josh

photocreditpeterwilson

i cant say what i wish i could say, or what is going on or what is on my mind. i just cant and i dont know why. it is so personal its to hard to explain like everyone else does on their blogs. everything you're all going through. some people are honest and journal on here, and others sit and think about what to say or post to sound clever, funny, intellectual, like they got it all together. i, in my life up to now, have felt so distant from everyone i know and i cannot be convinced even with endless conversations with loving friends, that anyone could ever understand. i have written pages on here and erased them so many times. but it really is such a more productive thing than i realize, blogging to our friends, it is so much more interesting to read an honest from the heart entry than some catchy clever stuff, which is ok. we talk about our spirituality, i feel like i've been in a spitiual fricken blender. a good friend told me spirituality is loving God and loving others. we search for "his will" for our lives, when that is it, his will for us is to love like him. and music, the endless race, i cant figure out where all the glory is going. who is glorified in your music? is everyone really writing music because it is the only way they can express whats dying to get out of them, or is it worthless? what is it worth anyway, whats really important? i feel like i am losing my mind, i wish i could tie it down and understand, be motivated. and now i am talking like the attention-grasper, but honestly, i am just trying to speak whats on my heart. i want to erase this because i am afraid people will think i am wrong, or annoying, or bitchy, or whatever, as always, but i am going to click publish post before i can stop myself.

what it could mean

lately i have been thinking about all the people i love, and realizing how much it could mean to tell them i love them every chance i get. not just to make sure they know they are loved, but to really express to them my love for them and the bond in that. i have been feeling rather emo lately. and i use that term for what it was to us years ago, not the animated emo-kid, screamo, whatever the hell it has become that is portrayed and made fun of these days. to me it used to mean being deep and emotional with my feelings and others, and as much as it became so uncool to say 'emo', that meant alot to me back then. God works in wierd ways, and through the hardest things that make us feel hopeless, we become broken. i have been broken and watched those around me broken, but that is when the true meaning of love shines through. i am so thankful for Gods love, because i have really realized that without it we would be hopeless. that may sound obvious and even cliche, but it means everything. when we can get past all our little concerns about ourselves and meaningless things and seek the only hope in this world, and feed off of that, then and only then do we find purpose, in anything. and i think through that it becomes our desire to love others, not just to say it, to do it. so on that note, i truly love you.

and on another note, here are my most recent listens, way random too...:

last days of april - if you lose it
american football - self-titeld
crosby stills and nash - self-titled
michael w smith - i 2 (eye)
leeland - sound of melodies

you?

copycat

who cares...

into:
petco park tomorrow
my sleepy forest hat
my tackle box
high school kids starting bands
my wife naked
owen growling and headbanging
esme marrying me
swedish fish
remodeling
manicotti

not into:
work
yuppies
cleaning
computers
motorcycles
schedules
mean neighbors
white people bumping hip-hop down my street (we're in big bear!)

ark of suffering

This was one of our favorite christian metal bands growing up, Tourniquet. We had a VHS called "Hot Metal 4" with this and many other videos of christian metal bands that ruled hard, which we watched religously, but we lost it somewhere along the way. This song still rules over many in my book.

Finally

Just put these and many more pictures up from within the last year. They are way past due, but you can see more favorites on the kid's blog, or see all of them here.

F word! God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me...

i remember when i was a kid my freinds would want to come to sleepy forest so bad to snack on the continental breakfast snacks that we could get for free from the office kitchen (or basically steal). i always wondered why they liked the tiny bagels, round cream cheese containers and tree top apple juice cans so much. i guess i was sick of them, i was spoiled. brianna and i used to run down to a neighbors wood pile and hide the snacks in the wood if we didnt finish them. what was the point of that? now i monotinously set out and put away similar breakfast items almost every morning of my life. and that wood pile is still in the same spot. my fear is to never leave. my hope is to move on. but at the same time, i will stay here and stress myself out every day about all the little details of owning my own business just like my mom does, if that is where i belong. my dad would tell you, according to his diagnosis, that i am like my mom and my brother is like my dad. for the most part i've realized this is true. although i hate this place at times because i have to see them stress out so much, i am damn proud of my parents. and how blessed we are with what we have been given. someone recently anonymously sent my wife a book called "the power of optimism". i hate stupid books like that, but this one is ringing true.