hhcyb

yeah i never really ended up posting much of anything about china like i said i would. to be honest, it is hard to talk about. i really did not expect that it would be. to sum it all up, i had set expectations for why i wasd going on this trip and what i wanted to do and how it was going to work out and feel. now looking back it was the opposite of what i set my mind on, and my perception on the whole thing is still made up of confusion. i signed up because i felt willing to serve and do some real physical hard work for people, with an overall goal of just showing love to whoever i was destined to meet. over the last couple years i have been realizing what Gods grace is really about, and how free it is to everyone, so have been filled with a new excitment to actually share that with others, and not feel cliche or cheesy (because these days, or with my generation, it feels worn out to simplify the fact that we can show Gods love and feel good about it.) i guess what i'm saying is that overtime i have watched myself and those around me grow out of that excitement, and after lots of change and decision making i realized that it can be simple. Jesus has saved us, and offers us grace every day, over and over, and in that realization you can step past the criticism and confusion and fear to proclaim it. anyway, this probably doesnt make sense and makes me sound all elitist or something, but i mean it in a legitiment way, not trying to just prove something. nevermind. what i was getting at is that when we finally got to china, i THEN realized that i was basically on a left over team. the missionary group in china that we worked with needed a few people to do some higeine training in villages that needed it, and survey some well-digging opportunities. we ended up bringing too many people, and i was uninformed the entire time about what was going on. so we ended up teaching english at middkles chools, which is cool. in fact it was amazing how they treated us like total professionals. one night the principle took us out to dinner and sat me and a couple other guys with some of the female teachers. i later found out, after some sake and being offered way too much, that he was trying to get us to go home with he teachers like it was a respectful thing to do, they were all married and acting nervous. that was crazy. i have lots of little stories like that. i do believe that i have grown in some way but i havent fully acknowledged it yet. i think it is towards finding my purpose in life for God. i believe he has something for me to do with my life, in the power of his spirit. but the trip is still hard to think about. same thing when my wife went to jamacia, she never really talked about it because it feels pointless or maybe to hard to think or talk about. i try to see past this as i believe God had a reason for me to be there. the last thing i wanted was to go on some classic missions trip and play with little kids and come back feeling changed and healed and using the experience for myself. i have been feeling that "missions trips" are not for that reason. the purpose is to allow people that dont know about Jesus to know, and if they are saved, amen. so the whole time i felt the way i didnt want to. i mean, there was some cool stuff going on, but i dont understand enough of the whole ministry that we took part in to feel fulfilled. so i am guessing that God is telling me that it is not up to me why i go, but that maybe he did have me there to just open my eyes. when i think about china and what i saw and did i get a dark feeling. in fact, i close up and run from it. we had a china team dinner the other night and everyone talked about how amazing it was and all the fun little dinky things that happened on the trip. of course also some really powerful things. but when it came to me to say something, i didnt know what to say. just that i am confused. so everyone was all wierd because i wasnt all excited, just being honest and pretty blunt about how the trip was organized and all that technical stuff which i hate anyway. this is one of those things where you realize that without God, without Jesus the spirit inside me, i am helpless and alone. that is what is amazing about Gods grace. thats what its all about. we shouldnt feel pressured or like we have to follow some standard to living a "christian" life. Jesus paid the price and it is DONE. NOW we are free. man i hate when people write blogs like this, now i'm doing it. whatever, its truth and honesty, what else would you want?

other than that, my wife and kids and i are moving from one lodge to the other tomorrow. yippidy fricken do. no, its cool. hopefully we will get my wife signed up for some classes this year and she can finish school and make a bunch of money while i do nothing. NOT! ok, i'll do a blog thingy now, so if you actually read this whole thing you have to tell me the first song that comes to your head. DON'T sit there and think of what would be all cool and original to write so everyone things you're all cool and original, just type the first song right away, and who its by. and if you feel dumb with what you thought of, you still have to type it, dont be gay. here i go: the hall and oates song matt has on his myspace, you make my dreams come true...