Most Days And

Most Nights. This album was given to me by Evan right when I was getting sick with Mono and slept all the time and felt like I was in a dream state. The lyrics ironically fit how I felt at the time perfectly:

Lyrics to Most Days And :
Oh, I could just leave things
A lot more easily than you'd think
'Cause I've been known to retreat
Every few years
So what am I waiting for
Oh, it's sad
Oh, I know
Then youngness of my young man shows
So please accept my apology
And wait with me
Oh, I could just die now
And no one would really have to find out
'Cause I've been lying down for years
So what am I waiting for
Oh, it's sad
I see another man who I wanna be
Sympathy, honesty
God knows I'm trying
Sympathy and honesty
God knows I'm trying
Sympathy, honesty
God knows I'm trying
Sympathy and honesty
God knows I'm trying
Sympathy, honesty
God knows I'm trying

dad things

i am listening to "Martini Lounge" station on aol radio, which my Dad found, its like James Bond radio. Next week, for our anniversary, Andrea and I are gonna stay at Northwoods and be Big Bear Tourists for a day. I am thinking we should drink Martinis at Stillwells. can't wait. I was gonna go see We Barbs tonight with Nate, but with Andrea, and Nate, working now it is too much to try and do those things these days. Sorry Derek. I am planning on going to a different Monday Spaceland show when school is out though. I am happy Andrea is subing alot and using her education and gifts and enjoying it. It has been a long time coming, and some full-time possibilities are opening up now too! Last week Esmes class had a fathers day "donuts for daddys". It ruled. i got a lamenated picture and description of myself by Esme, a wood-saw card, and a picture of Esme with a hard hat and skill saw in a nuts-n-bolts frame. we drank coffee, ate donuts, acted manly, and painted eachothers' feet. Mrs. Shetter shared with the class not growing up with a Dad and the importance of time and example. i appreciated that so much and was very impressed with her. I dropped Esme's glasses off at school today just in time for her eye and reading exams. She was wearing a jumper (or a bouncer? hopper?) today and looked so cute i gritted my teeth. Oh yeah, Matt, I played Kings Quest 6 yesterday and wished you were there! anyone remember that? I have been feeling content and thankful, I don't want to move lest anything changes, but our journey will continue and I hope we trust and follow God all along the way. Last night Fireproof was on TV, i'm sure there are alot of typical opinions on this, but it is so good! I cried. it is pretty cheesy but i think it hits home with modern day marraige and life, and has great virtues and value. The message of being honest about our mistakes and imperfections, but loving and serving eachother anyway. Esme was asking what Kirk Cameron was doing at the cross, and I explained Christian faith, accepting Jesus into your heart and following Christ, It was really cool. Not just the process but our need for salvation, love, and hope in life. Esme was pretty intrigued and I told her to process it for a while. Then she went and got her Bible and we read some stories on the Old Testament about making sacrafices and offerings to God in order to be purified if sin, and we talked about how God later sent his son to do that for us. On the other hand, I watched, again, that NighLine where Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort tried to prove the existence of God with "only science" again the Rational Response Squad. That hurts to watch. Mainly because, in my opinion, you Ccan't PROVE God with merely science. they made fools of themselves and the RRS was very smart , simpler, and more attractive with their rebuttals. anyway, Fireproof is good, and I am a dorky old cheeseball i guess.

friends

Here is my blog refreshed. I realized no one could comment on it the way it was. well, sort of having a writing inspiration the last couple days and I have been writing songs. this spring/summer is looking like lots of recording in the shed, bbq's on the deck, the park and lake, bike path, and curt nate and i are hoping to put in a horse shoe pit and possibly an outdoor ping pong table. which means whoever is reading this you will need to come up and let us host you! hopefully somemore lakeside shows with the cover band too. my family and i miss you all. God has been doing some interesting things up here. Andrea started subing a couple days ago and is enjoying working. Owen got his first bike. The kids have been learning to skateboard which brings me joy. My brother took me to peter gabriels new blood tour for my Bday and it was one of the best shows ever! i am trying to keep up with music, right now i am constantly loving the new national, new josh ritter, old jayhawks, becks sea change... these are just some of the things going on off the top of my head. I will try to get some pictures up here soon. love and well wishes to everyone!

that is what Owen calls it (snow). tons of it, and neverending. to the point where you just go ahead and put on your full snow gear, pants, boots, huge jacket, everyday. I love it, it is beautiful and enchantingly 'quiet and white', as derek would put it. I need to get some pictures up of the kids sledding. I got 2 sweet ski sleds for $5 each at a yard sale this summer. Owens is black with a star wars type steering wheel. Esme's is pink and purple and is the same one matt and i got for christmas as kids and rode until mikey broke his back on it 6 or 7 years ago. i was pulling the kids real fast on owens sled and it took me a while to notice that owen had fallen off, his foot caught in the seat, and i was dragging him like in the movies when they would tie a cowboy to a horse and slap its butt. he sat up in shock when i noticed and stopped, his face was white. so sad. he was very mad and told me i am not his dad anymore and he didn't love me. but later on when we were inside by the fire he said i am his dad and he loves me, so i guess he will get some toys from santa clause afterall.

Over Me

I was looking up White Heart videos on youtube yesterday. Some of the old Powerhouse stuff was so nostalgic to watch. I can't even tell you what this music does to me. And I found a reunion they did in 2006, playing a song called Freedom that we used to listen to that album daily growing up. It is kind of rock/metal era Christian music. When I watch those videos it stirs my spirit more than anything else. More than church, worship, other daily Christian life things. I am not at all being critical to those things. I am involved in church, I worship God, I try to live a good life. Those Christian Industry bands from the 80's and maybe 90's just seemed so real and straight forward with their ministry. It makes me wonder if the whole industry and Christian church and ministry and what not has changed or was just different back then. It was like a different movement, kids seemed more into checking out what we now look at as 'cliche' happenings, like having a concert at knotts berry farm called heart2heart or something. those bands would spend most of their set sharing the Bible and the Gospel in straight honest ways, then singing songs they wrote specifically about that, songs where everyone could understand exactly what they were talking about and were straight out of the Bible, helping the Gospel make sense to new, old, and non christians without twisting it around in order to get people to listen. It wasn't just leading worship, it was putting their whole heart into the songs like the best secular bands do now, and singing with such purpose. And maybe this is just because I am older now, but it seems that there is more criticism in Christianity, the industry, organized ministry these days. Those that want to keep it real and straight, and those that want to try new ways. Of course Jesus wants us to be real, to bring the same message everywhere we go, to be honest while doing it. At least I think so. Again this is not criticism. Just thinking and getting anxious about how powerful those old songs still are to me. People could go to a "show" - not just a worship gathering where the worship band is trying to stay behind a curtain or something so people won't focus on them but on God and the song lyrics - it would be a Christian band, blatantly Christian, with a message, but still putting on a good rock show full of passion. Yes people are watching them and cheering for them, and through that they are sharing what has made them so happy and free. I have led worship at my church for some time now and most always feel totally discouraged when finished, realizing half the time that I did not even think about what we were singing about, but worried if I was leading people to Jesus or not. Worship gatherings are great and important, don't get me wrong. But I think maybe there is room right now in the Christian Industry, in the Chruch, and most importantly, outside of the church, for music and gatherings to put on shows and performances, to do it like any secular show would, but to be all about using our gifts with joy and freedom for the purpose of sharing the gospel to everyone in a real, honest way. And straight out of the bible. Write songs about anything, if God has changed your life, if you experience freedom, they will shake people's spirits, because everyone finds emptiness without Christ. Make money and use it to continue sharing with more people, if we try to be overly-humble and turn down money how far will we get. Use it for God's glory! I am sorry again if this sounds so cliche, I don't mean to do that and I hope it makes sense that I am sharing my honest spur of the moment thoughts, not just repeating something I've heard. Anyway I think I am asking God to help me use this stirring to get deeper into the Bible, to take that to heart, to use my time and gifts to share that with everyone, and to care for people. And lastly I do not mean at all to try to sound all accomplished or holy. We all think about this stuff right? I have been so burnt out on church and "ministry", something that God put in my life as a child is what shakes my spirit, and I am anxious to share my faith! I know for a fact that alot of my friends who read this blog are seeking or sought the blatant truth of God and the bible, where our faith lies, and something to really believe in and be excited to share. Maybe not word for word but you know what I mean, I think. Thoughts, please! Just straight up thoughts, write it before you can contemplate it...
Click the title for a White Heart video from those days. Easy to make fun of I know but it was our childhood, and it was the 80's. A song (and album - White Heart 'Freedom') that my Dad talks about had a big affect on him giving his life over to God after wandering about for a while when we were small kids. He also talks about another song we grew up on that says "I am laying down my crown, let the kingdom come". Even through my dad these songs had a huge affect and still do on me and my faith as well. Still one of my favorite albums ever.

Owen and I...

Both sick with colds and ear infections, or vice versa. worst cold I've ever had. somehow we got those both together or gave them to eachother. as horrible as we feel, there is nothing else like spending time and cuddling with Owen by the fire watching Christmas movies. I usually let my sickness just take me over and wait for it to fade, but lately I have been on anti-congestants, anti-biotics, tea, losenges, quils (both day and ny), vapor rub, humidifier... We spent some time in Anaheim this weekend and at Disneyland with the Zaps. Always amazing at Christmas time! Looking forward to celebrating Christmas and getting well. Not looking forward to working while sick. Andrea has been observing at all the schools up here to finish her schooling and very busy at that, now she is getting sick and she just does not deserve that. some friends of ours up here lost their baby a couple days ago and still had to deliver it yesterday. i obviously cannot even imagine. the baby girl was 6 months along in the womb. that is just so devestating. Pray for them if you ever think about it - Cliff and Kristen. We are so blessed. We miss and love you all and hope everyone is well.

nu thang

my wife is a great cook. she pretty much cooks me 3 meals a day, and they always seem to be whatever I am thinking would be the best thing to eat at that moment. it is usually super creative and interesting, but even when it is pretty conventional, it hits the spot.

we are lucky, or blessed people. we complain about our country, our economy, and even our daily lives which usually consists somewhat of responsibilities that we make for ourselves. consumer stuff, like clothes, activities, entertainment, materialism. one thing I know is that Jesus loved the poor and oppressed. I can't imagine how cliche and annoying I might sound right now, and how often I say that too. I don't know much about it but I know hundreds of people are dead or wounded around India from terrorist bombings or attacks. people are starving, desperate, and lost hope. we have the advantage of growing up in America, the ideal of freedom and hope, and it is hard for us to even see what goes on around the world, let alone make an impact. it almost seems like there are 2 type of people, those that believe we've earned the leisures we have in consumer America and those who say we need to earn them or don't deserve them. I don't know if that makes any sense, or even where I fall. I know I am thankful for the place and family I was born into, and that in my heart, as I know you all do, I feel the need for others to be able to feel that blessed.

i watched Mongol last night. loved it. there will be 2 more making a trilogy about Ghengis Khan. I am looking forward to seeing Inglorious Basterds!

tomorrow we will celebrate good harvest with good food, family, and friends, and hopefully we will all acknowledge all that we have to be thankful for, and take that everywhere we go... that is about as cheesy as I can get, but I mean it.

Life has been good, watching my kids grow is going by faster and faster all the time, as busy as we make ourselves, we are doing our best to enjoy and make well every minute of it.

who was telling me about that Disneyland nintendo game where you walk around disneyland and ride rides? I found it on ebay for like $6! yeah i bought it, it is awesome. come up and play nintendo and do puzzles with us sometime!

Used Mac?

All I want is a cheap used Mac laptop, I know nothing about Macs, macbook, pro, notebook, powerbook, whatever. I just want something that is capable of garage band, hopefully the new garage band 3, and may be capable to install pro tools, etc. on eventually.

Does anyone have any ideas, friends, or computers you want to sell??? It is probablyu impossible to do this for around $200 right? Gotta try, maybe I could dig up somemore cash if I find a good deal... It would be my christmas present from my wife. This is weird I have never written a blog like this!

people writing about posting

thats who i'm joining. need to keep up and update. this blog world actually is amazing, its not just a web log but its like your own website that you take pride in, well some people do i guess. some of our best friends that we don't even seem to know anymore (which is no ones' fault) still chat and communicate / keep up on here. it is scary how we drift apart, adulthood, life, plans, future, i'm always thinking nostalgically about our old commune ideas.

andrea and i played a show last week in norwalk and made a date night out of it, went out to dinner at buca di beppos. so good. i yelled "buca!" and got the employees all riled up. the show was fun, played lots of new songs and covers we never get to play. might do that more often.



we took our christmas pictures at JC Penny yesterday. i'll sum it up with this: owen yelling, doing buzz light year poses, with blood dripping down his face from taking off a bandaid (which he is wearing in the photos), esme running in circles in christmas pajamas trying to pull down the background curtain. the picture lady had sweat dripping down her face. disaster, and loving every minute of it. you have to have fun with it. actually esme did really good. owen on the other hand... we had a great day.

could never have imagined being this busy. more routine every year, and i am growing more and more content with it. everyday is hard work no matter what with these kids. We don't sleep enough, things like having a clean house or cool style house or whatever don't really exist. we spend our quality time together as a couple late at night after the kids went to bed around 8 and we spent a couple hours catching up on... everything. Andrea is a machine. we are looking into buying a house up here. i have realized through getting depressed about not playing music more or sitting around thinking about all we wish we could do, that if we were in those situations we would probably long for what we have right here and now. that God probably saved me from wasting time with things that don't glorify him or make any differences. realizing how easy it is to get caught up in our own significance. and with all the crazy politics, i just hope good people don't judge good people on their political veiws, as if someone has it all figured out...


ONE IN THE SAME

to the saints
give up your fame
we're one in the same

to the faint
lift up your head
see that instead
we're one in the same

to the preachers
down from your thrones
lay down your stones
we're one in the same

to all you children
the young and the wise
the old and the bold
we're one in the same

bring your joy
bring your pain
we come in here different
but we're leaving the same

well you call yourself a lover
you call yourself a sinner
you call yourself nothing
but we're one in the same

Like Right Now

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
James 4: 7-17

These verses just stuck out to me today. I don't mean to put up so much scripture or make any kind of statement about this. In fact, I rarely read my Bible but wonder and think about it everyday. Today I read this and it is encouraging during the times we are living in.

I so often just sit at work, I have all this work to do, I feel anxious, but instead I freeze and just sit and think about so many things, or try to think of something to look up online to distract me, then I end up getting way more anxious. It is usually thinking about stuff like money, what am I doing with or for my family, what am I doing here, how did I end up here, why can't I write songs that I want to write, why does being a musician, or wanting to, feel like such a curse, why do I always compare myself to others or care what they think, why are politics so scary, why is religion so confusing, why won't I stop smoking, why is it such a big deal, bla blabla blabla. you know how it goes. Usually days like this, quite gloomy, come after being with friends that are like family and then all the sudden I am alone and quiet while my kids are at school and my wife is out. How hard is it for us to trust God and not worry about tomorrow? How hard is it for us not to judge? Life definately is not simple, all the priorities we make, but is it simple to love one another and not to judge? I am excited to raise my kids with an attitude of honesty. not like i won't do my best to teach them with discipline and guard them from things they don't need to know or see yet, but justto lead by example of who we are and why we need Christ. to be christlike is not to be sinless, but to be needy and dependent on Christ. at least thats what I think. why can't I have strong spiritual and political views and dominate in debates and arguments? why am I so annoyed and turned off by that? Even more, I am so annoyed with myself and everything I just wrote. I worry that people will think I am doing bad or look down on me. That is so ridiculous. Truth is, I think we are all so lucky and blessed. The things we do, the friends and family we have, this country... Its just naked honesty. As usual I want to delete it, but I can't! dangit! I'm not gonna re-read it, just post it. everyone's gonna think I'm stupid. Just kidding, but really.

While we're being so honest, here is a song I wrote a while ago, one that comes out when you are feeling the worst but have to write it down and let it be what it is:

My life is heaven and my head is hell
these songs do nothing, say nothing, mean nothing
there is no cure, no pill, no drink that can get me out of this
can't express a thing

sitting on the back porch watching the smoke
travel up my nose and into my joke
looking through the neighbors' filthy windows as they cook their drugs
and wondering if they're jealous of me, wondering if they've had enough

middle of the night and i'm on the stairs
staring at the wall and the picture frame glares
posing myself for a video
knowing that i'm sorry but i won't let go
knowing i'm pathetic but i can't let go

casting up prayers to a shiny moon
trying to be honest when i talk to you
the devil tells me that i'm fake, god knows if i'm real
the voice i legitimize is the love i steal

Blends

Blog trends. First off, regarding His Poolitics, I will be voting for Matt Pool for President. I watched the Rick Warren Interviews simultaneously by each question and answer. I will be doing the same with each of the debates. Media, T.V., Internet sites, Blogs, books, etc., these sources are throwing so many different opinions and subjects at us that don't really focus on the important issues at hand and cloud my mind. I think it is a good idea to approach the candidates in their spur of the moment reactions and answers to America's questions, with a clear mind. Don't get me wrong, those sources are what we have and we should be considering everything we can, but watching the candidates by themselves answering the important questions and arguing about what we should be voting on is much more important.


A video of Owen "sharing" on His first day of pre-school. If you listen and watch closely, you will hear Esme reminding him he needs to pass His toy around, while Mrs. Stalcup is telling Him not to. Mrs. Stalcup was my pre-school teacher, as well as Matt's and Derek's, and the teacher of some friends that are my parents' age. She old.


My beautiful soulmate and boy.


Doing the bunny ears.



They will not be happy with me.

Experiences

"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve." 1 Peter 5:2



I went to Ensanada for about a week over labor day with a group of guys to build a basketball court for a boys home that a missionary family started with the Mexican churches they planted down there. It may sound like a random thing to do but it was what the ministry in the area needed to help kids find a place to go that is not totally corrupted by drugs or what not. Some guys from our local church are great at concrete so it worked out very well. I went along to help and play music and lead worship for the group and churches. It was a great experience, and through all the weird missions trips and skeptical experiences I have had with churches and outreach, this typical trip was the opposite. I prayed alot and put my skepticisms aside, letting words like the scripture above humble and simplify our purpose to serve. I have often felt that it was a waste of time and money to travel to distant areas to do small deeds (short term missions), I have learned to hate the trendy church trips that often turn into inward experiences and not really grasping the idea of outreaching which is the great commission. But I decided to try this again and as I grow up I have become more... layed back I guess... taking Gods word for what it is instead of trying to find my own understanding. We had fun, ate tacos, worked very hard, the hardest I think I have ever worked, learned concrete, drank good mexican beer, smoked tobacco, played pool, met people, got to know eachother, built relationships, argued, fellowshiped and worshiped together. Oh and I learned some mad knife fighting skills, and bought a knife. Some guys had the opportunity to build a new roof for a lady who had lived in this house for over 70 years! Her roof collapsed one night from the rain. Anyway, it is always an experience like any other. I watch these families who bring their kids to foreign countries and I always wonder if it is right, sometimes if it is necessary. But regardless, I have realized that if an opportunity to serve comes along, in any circumstance, anytime and anywhere, these words have an opportunity to ring true. I love when our hearts get softened. It was a good guys trip to get to know and make new friends as well.

Click the title to see the site with more pictures and a sweet video.

side note: Owen started pre-school this week, so both the kids are in school. pictures to come. crazy.

Bunch Ball

Hey friends,

I just put up Buttloads of photos ranging back to last December if you wanna check them out. Heading down to la for matt's 28th (happy birthday matt!), then to the hilton tomorrow for swimming and fun time, then to disneyland monday, then back to real life again. Esme had her first soccer game today, they won! Of course there's the one kid that scores all the goals, but they did pretty good. Esme is all about team work, thats what she will tell you. I will post pictures of that soon. Here are a few pics from last Christmas, Lake Powell, Ballet, Pre-school, and whatever else... Peace and love!

this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy

I guess I am turning into a full blown typical dad when it comes to things i love like music. Buying my kids instruments, Listening to music I love that they are starting to admit is annoying, playing them songs on the guitar like pirates of the carribean, zip-a-dee-do-da, and bob the builder, and being more excited about playing in cover bands around town with 30 and 40-year-olds than I ever thought I could be. No shame either. My kids have good music taste and know the real from the not-so-real, so I am happy. I am reading more, still working on reading the Bible from front to back (how typical). Started in 2003 after getting married and have been stuck in the plagues area of Exodus ever since. I can read like crazy when it comes to thrillers, otherwise I lose interest due to my generation's growing up into lack of imagination (eg. Reality T.V., umm... T.V.). I am going to Mexico in a few weeks to lead worship and build a basketball court for a kids home. I am excited to go. Gotta go down to the park now, Esme's first soccer meet!

"A Christian shouldn't be reacting, he should be acting. He should be listening to God and then acting upon what God has revealed to him, not reacting to other stimuli from sources other than God."

"It is now possible for a singer who is a Christian to record for a Christian record company, be distributed by a Christian distributor, be stocked on shelves in a Christian Bible Bookstore, and be purchased by Christians and only Christians, and this cycle from studio to turntable at home can provide a singer with enough income he need not take his message to anyone but Christians."


http://www.dagsrule.com/stuff/larry/intvw80c.html

+ FISH, + 25

Today we got up super early, ate at alpine, and went over past fawnskin to Gray's Landing. The sunrise was beautiful. I got 1 fish, almost a foot long i guess? it was fun. we tried to gut it without learning how first, which was rough, and sticky. now it's in my freezer and i shall dine upon it this eve.

Tomorrow i am 25. Either going snowboarding (free on your birthday!) or we are going to disneyland last minute. double fisted thumbs! ALRIIIIGHT!

- FISH

no fish today, but got our liscenses and our gear wet. we plan to fish, my dad and i, every teusday morning, taking the new boat out starting april 1st. good times, enjoying God's creation and beauty in ways that i never usually stop and think to. in other news, lets see... school is going hectic but good for both of us; Esme got glasses, pre-schoolin; Owen is talking alot, drummin, tractorin; the weather is nice and changing, and that's about that!

fishing season starts tomorrow, at least it does for the pools.

nah tamara egghead, now... gehead!

holiday time is/was very, very good. i feel so blessed that i almost feel bad feeling good. not that we have it easy, just that family is more of a blessing than we sometimes consider. since this summer has passed i have been trying to be more optimistic, counting my blessings every day, and in doing so I see Gods love for us all around, through the horrible, into the good. we watched the nativity story movie, which is awesome i think, and read in Luke with the kids at christmas time. we also exchanged gifts with Mario Jose, our sponsored child in Guatemala. That has been one of tyhe most life-changing experiences of our lives so far. we sent him a nativity book and some toys and recieved back his hand prints and a christmas picture he colored for us. the house was cozy, spent quality time with the fam and ate good food, played some christmas story monopoly (awesome). no new years resolutions, i heard it said that the calender shouldn't control what we strive for, who we are or goals we make. i agree.

having our family among our humble abode made the celebration of life and love top notch.

pictures will be up shortly, and many at that! we have been busier than ever, andrea and i both going to school, esme still in preschool, which isnt cheap by the way, owen learning to pee downward, and of course the business working overtime. we have been talking of staying in big bear longer than we had planned. i have been learning alot, i love working with family, and i have been growing more content of the lodge business. in the midst of all this i pulled out the old 4-track and have been writing again (mush inspiration due to m&a's christmas gift).

Captain Love

i just got the entire new mock orange from the #1 man isaac chan. every time i hear a new mock orange i am set back again. definately one of the only bands that brings me such sweet joy and good feeling. anyway, i dont even think they will release it in america because for some reason the japanese seem to have a better understanding of quality music. if you dont have one, GET one!

The Pirates & The Mermaids

That was our title when we did coffee house shows in college, but this is referring to our Halloween experience this year. Click and Flick.

RHNYCOTM

Just watched our old friend Ryan Hall win the NYC Olympic Trials Marathon. He gives the Glory to God crossing the finish line (Steve Taylor style). He's going to Beijing next year to compete in the Olympics. I grew up watching him run across town to and from school everyday (looking out the window while we were driving listening to At The Drive In and damaging our lungs with chemicals and smoke). crazy, crazy times. Big Bear's own. Amen.

As a Journey

These are my inspired thoughts and feelings from Tims last post. This is not going to sound intellectual and I am not good at creating clever phrases, but it is what it is. I have been coming to a point of starting over in a way, not necessarily with my faith in Christ but more with knowledge in how i live my life in Christ / where i stand i guess. i may be walking away from the type of ministry i have been trying to commit whole-heartedly to and seeking God in His word alone, from a fresh perspective as best i can. this type of thing is always hard to explain and sounds very repetetive in our christian lives, but i read something about David - following HARD after God's heart, i dont think it is something that we come to a point of completion with, so this kind of pursuance should be consistent, i hope it to be in my life.

I was talking with my brother about the diversity in different churches today between those who are strictly bible based and in some way or another conservative i guess, and modern churches who seem flashy and 'have it your way', attempting in any way to please people in order to show them Christ. dont get me wrong, there is alot i dont know or understand, but this is speaking from what has caused my recent hunger for more up to now. I have always been so torn between different "doctrines" and beliefs, even though "The Church" refers to Christians as one body, in our worldly nature we split apart in many ways.

We were also talking about - and this may just be me - spending alot of our lives feeling self-doubt, like Tim was talking about. I always convinced myself I could never really know or understand as much as those around me that seem more ambitous and intellectual, with spirituality/politics/music. so it seems we never really pursued any of that to our fullest. self-doubt/unmotivated is me. well i think God wants me to trash that notion and follow hard after His heart. that is my faith, and from there i ask for wisdom. My motivation changes in different ways as I mature, probably true for all of us. But i dont want to go in circles. And i dont want to forget how God has captured my heart, how His love is what changed history. I watch all these different speakers, and I always pick out the ones who have a firm foundation in their testimony and message, they travel around with the same message, and you can tell that it is the holy spirit they depend on, just sharing God and not finding all these ways to interperet to easy-listeners.

I am having a hard time with this at our church now. for the last year i have decided to ignore criticism in the church, but it has taken its toll as well. as a worship leader i believe in giving God our praise through music and encouraging others to do so at the same time. but when we seem to be doing this ministry just because that is what churches do with their youth, not because we are actually excited about something and want to share with kids (let alone not really using scripture), then the worship becomes stagnant, and I hate nothing more than doing that half-ass. it becomes pointless and i cant figure out why we do it other than because it is the norm.

I think to follow God is not to become settled and content, but to continue life as a journey after God's own heart. To follow is a continuous action. I have never viewed the bible as important as i am now, and i sort of understand more now the importance of Gods word in my life. So i am seeking him in his word. I actually started reading from Genesis 1 about 3 years ago, and after reading most chapters over and over, i am to the end of Exodus. I also started in the Gospels the same way. I cant believe how much i've learned that i never knew or understood after growing up in the church. In order to truly seek Him from my own heart the ministry in my culture that has been confusing and hurting me may need to be put aside so i can gain fresh perspective. i still dont feel completely confident in what i am saying, explaining my passion best i can... so it is best put this way: "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24

Click & Flick

P i C t U r E s


fromst our vacation


in particular order

weekoff

so here we are on our little vacation this week. its been a blast so far. spent 2 nights at matt/ambers, got to hang with tim/shauna isaac/chan brandon/v there sat night and did some cruising in pasedena yesterday. loved being there. today we went to legoland which was awesome, the day went perfect other than the tail-gating ticket i got about 10 seconds from legoland. i dont think i was tailgating anymore than anyone else. but i look like a real troublemaker with my wife kids and suv. so we checked into our hotel in san diego and they hooked us up with the exec suite, so now we're sitting in this awesome hotel room with the ocean outside eating sushi with complimentary wine, watching HD baseball on tv and building a tractor with owen that he got at legoland. feeling pretty spoiled. tomorrow we hit up seaworld, i'm an amusement park dork, whether they are popular or not i love them all, so i'm hving a good time. we used to draw and plan entire parks, even where we were building them. esme seems to be the same way, we have been working our way through the park maps together. it used to make me so excited as a kid and watching my kids do it is even better. i'll post some pics later on.

josh

photocreditpeterwilson

i cant say what i wish i could say, or what is going on or what is on my mind. i just cant and i dont know why. it is so personal its to hard to explain like everyone else does on their blogs. everything you're all going through. some people are honest and journal on here, and others sit and think about what to say or post to sound clever, funny, intellectual, like they got it all together. i, in my life up to now, have felt so distant from everyone i know and i cannot be convinced even with endless conversations with loving friends, that anyone could ever understand. i have written pages on here and erased them so many times. but it really is such a more productive thing than i realize, blogging to our friends, it is so much more interesting to read an honest from the heart entry than some catchy clever stuff, which is ok. we talk about our spirituality, i feel like i've been in a spitiual fricken blender. a good friend told me spirituality is loving God and loving others. we search for "his will" for our lives, when that is it, his will for us is to love like him. and music, the endless race, i cant figure out where all the glory is going. who is glorified in your music? is everyone really writing music because it is the only way they can express whats dying to get out of them, or is it worthless? what is it worth anyway, whats really important? i feel like i am losing my mind, i wish i could tie it down and understand, be motivated. and now i am talking like the attention-grasper, but honestly, i am just trying to speak whats on my heart. i want to erase this because i am afraid people will think i am wrong, or annoying, or bitchy, or whatever, as always, but i am going to click publish post before i can stop myself.

what it could mean

lately i have been thinking about all the people i love, and realizing how much it could mean to tell them i love them every chance i get. not just to make sure they know they are loved, but to really express to them my love for them and the bond in that. i have been feeling rather emo lately. and i use that term for what it was to us years ago, not the animated emo-kid, screamo, whatever the hell it has become that is portrayed and made fun of these days. to me it used to mean being deep and emotional with my feelings and others, and as much as it became so uncool to say 'emo', that meant alot to me back then. God works in wierd ways, and through the hardest things that make us feel hopeless, we become broken. i have been broken and watched those around me broken, but that is when the true meaning of love shines through. i am so thankful for Gods love, because i have really realized that without it we would be hopeless. that may sound obvious and even cliche, but it means everything. when we can get past all our little concerns about ourselves and meaningless things and seek the only hope in this world, and feed off of that, then and only then do we find purpose, in anything. and i think through that it becomes our desire to love others, not just to say it, to do it. so on that note, i truly love you.

and on another note, here are my most recent listens, way random too...:

last days of april - if you lose it
american football - self-titeld
crosby stills and nash - self-titled
michael w smith - i 2 (eye)
leeland - sound of melodies

you?

copycat

who cares...

into:
petco park tomorrow
my sleepy forest hat
my tackle box
high school kids starting bands
my wife naked
owen growling and headbanging
esme marrying me
swedish fish
remodeling
manicotti

not into:
work
yuppies
cleaning
computers
motorcycles
schedules
mean neighbors
white people bumping hip-hop down my street (we're in big bear!)

ark of suffering

This was one of our favorite christian metal bands growing up, Tourniquet. We had a VHS called "Hot Metal 4" with this and many other videos of christian metal bands that ruled hard, which we watched religously, but we lost it somewhere along the way. This song still rules over many in my book.

Finally

Just put these and many more pictures up from within the last year. They are way past due, but you can see more favorites on the kid's blog, or see all of them here.

F word! God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me God forgive me...

i remember when i was a kid my freinds would want to come to sleepy forest so bad to snack on the continental breakfast snacks that we could get for free from the office kitchen (or basically steal). i always wondered why they liked the tiny bagels, round cream cheese containers and tree top apple juice cans so much. i guess i was sick of them, i was spoiled. brianna and i used to run down to a neighbors wood pile and hide the snacks in the wood if we didnt finish them. what was the point of that? now i monotinously set out and put away similar breakfast items almost every morning of my life. and that wood pile is still in the same spot. my fear is to never leave. my hope is to move on. but at the same time, i will stay here and stress myself out every day about all the little details of owning my own business just like my mom does, if that is where i belong. my dad would tell you, according to his diagnosis, that i am like my mom and my brother is like my dad. for the most part i've realized this is true. although i hate this place at times because i have to see them stress out so much, i am damn proud of my parents. and how blessed we are with what we have been given. someone recently anonymously sent my wife a book called "the power of optimism". i hate stupid books like that, but this one is ringing true.

All I Know

How deep the Father's love for us How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure How great the pain of searing loss The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One Bring many sons to glory Behold the Man upon a cross My sin upon His shoulders Ashamed I hear my mocking voice Call out among the scoffers It was my sin that held Him there Until it was accomplished His dying breath has brought me life I know that it is finished I will not boast in anything No gifts, no power, no wisdom But I will boast in Jesus Christ His death and resurrection Why should I gain from His reward I cannot give an answer But this I know with all my heart His wounds have paid my ransom

the night we didnt see tom petty

talk about heartbreakers. last teusday a friend of mine shane lee invited me to see tom petty with the strokes supporting, for free. who would pass that up? so i got off work at 5pm and we hauled down to hollywood. i was sort of thinking we were "getting in", shanes sister donya mentioned some poeple we were to meet down there, so i thought it was all set. so we call these dudes and realize they are figuring out how to sneak in. i know some friends of mine have snuck into the hollywood bowl before so i figured what the heck. we were instructed to go to the ticket booth, hike up the trail to the right, find the secret bench, and hop the fence. it wasnt that simple. we basically cliff hanged across a mountain, tore through some thorn bushes, stepped on some homeless, and crawled up a dirt path. there was no bench in sight. so instead we sat atop the mountain, met some omish looking potheads, and stared at the huge audience as if they were staring right back at us. the spot we had was very cool, other than not seeing anything near the stage, or the screens. the lights portrayed a picture perfect crowd and the sound bounced off of them straight to us. we missed the strokes, got up there just in time to hear tom petty say "i'm here to rock hollywood". heres where i got depressed the audience started going nuts and we heard a womans voice say hello. suddenly they went into stop dragging my heart around. stevie sang 3 other songs, and tambourined a few more. kill me. this was driving me nuts hearing her sing and not seeing, so we cliff dived our way back down to find the scalpers we'd passed up earlier. they were naire to be found. so i smoked a ciggerette on a bench right outside with into the great wide open blaspheming my ears, sounded perfect of course. today looking online i realized jeff lynne also came out and did a wilburys song with them (footage below). lets see: the strokes, tom petty, the heartbreakers, stevie nicks, jeff lynne. why didnt they just bring out bob dylan and raise george harrison from the dead? as i walked around looking for some long lost scalpers, some drunk bro asked me for a ciggerette, which i exchanged for a wrist band. turning to finally fullfill my destiney and go in, i was bombarded with exiters. it was over. so we called donya's friend matt and decided to meet him at a club where word had it the strokes would be. never found it. shane and i deemed it a worthy night and drove home.

Hi from us

Finally updating the Flickr account with new and old pictures, mostly from this summer. Just a few sets for now, tons more to come. Check the kid's blog for updates as well.

hhcyb

yeah i never really ended up posting much of anything about china like i said i would. to be honest, it is hard to talk about. i really did not expect that it would be. to sum it all up, i had set expectations for why i wasd going on this trip and what i wanted to do and how it was going to work out and feel. now looking back it was the opposite of what i set my mind on, and my perception on the whole thing is still made up of confusion. i signed up because i felt willing to serve and do some real physical hard work for people, with an overall goal of just showing love to whoever i was destined to meet. over the last couple years i have been realizing what Gods grace is really about, and how free it is to everyone, so have been filled with a new excitment to actually share that with others, and not feel cliche or cheesy (because these days, or with my generation, it feels worn out to simplify the fact that we can show Gods love and feel good about it.) i guess what i'm saying is that overtime i have watched myself and those around me grow out of that excitement, and after lots of change and decision making i realized that it can be simple. Jesus has saved us, and offers us grace every day, over and over, and in that realization you can step past the criticism and confusion and fear to proclaim it. anyway, this probably doesnt make sense and makes me sound all elitist or something, but i mean it in a legitiment way, not trying to just prove something. nevermind. what i was getting at is that when we finally got to china, i THEN realized that i was basically on a left over team. the missionary group in china that we worked with needed a few people to do some higeine training in villages that needed it, and survey some well-digging opportunities. we ended up bringing too many people, and i was uninformed the entire time about what was going on. so we ended up teaching english at middkles chools, which is cool. in fact it was amazing how they treated us like total professionals. one night the principle took us out to dinner and sat me and a couple other guys with some of the female teachers. i later found out, after some sake and being offered way too much, that he was trying to get us to go home with he teachers like it was a respectful thing to do, they were all married and acting nervous. that was crazy. i have lots of little stories like that. i do believe that i have grown in some way but i havent fully acknowledged it yet. i think it is towards finding my purpose in life for God. i believe he has something for me to do with my life, in the power of his spirit. but the trip is still hard to think about. same thing when my wife went to jamacia, she never really talked about it because it feels pointless or maybe to hard to think or talk about. i try to see past this as i believe God had a reason for me to be there. the last thing i wanted was to go on some classic missions trip and play with little kids and come back feeling changed and healed and using the experience for myself. i have been feeling that "missions trips" are not for that reason. the purpose is to allow people that dont know about Jesus to know, and if they are saved, amen. so the whole time i felt the way i didnt want to. i mean, there was some cool stuff going on, but i dont understand enough of the whole ministry that we took part in to feel fulfilled. so i am guessing that God is telling me that it is not up to me why i go, but that maybe he did have me there to just open my eyes. when i think about china and what i saw and did i get a dark feeling. in fact, i close up and run from it. we had a china team dinner the other night and everyone talked about how amazing it was and all the fun little dinky things that happened on the trip. of course also some really powerful things. but when it came to me to say something, i didnt know what to say. just that i am confused. so everyone was all wierd because i wasnt all excited, just being honest and pretty blunt about how the trip was organized and all that technical stuff which i hate anyway. this is one of those things where you realize that without God, without Jesus the spirit inside me, i am helpless and alone. that is what is amazing about Gods grace. thats what its all about. we shouldnt feel pressured or like we have to follow some standard to living a "christian" life. Jesus paid the price and it is DONE. NOW we are free. man i hate when people write blogs like this, now i'm doing it. whatever, its truth and honesty, what else would you want?

other than that, my wife and kids and i are moving from one lodge to the other tomorrow. yippidy fricken do. no, its cool. hopefully we will get my wife signed up for some classes this year and she can finish school and make a bunch of money while i do nothing. NOT! ok, i'll do a blog thingy now, so if you actually read this whole thing you have to tell me the first song that comes to your head. DON'T sit there and think of what would be all cool and original to write so everyone things you're all cool and original, just type the first song right away, and who its by. and if you feel dumb with what you thought of, you still have to type it, dont be gay. here i go: the hall and oates song matt has on his myspace, you make my dreams come true...

new pictures up on the China blog.

i havent been able to view my blog or comments, but i am in a city called wenshan in southern china. things have been going very well, i love it here. i have been teaching english at a middle school and it is going wonderfully. we've had alot of opportunities to teach about what we are "interested" in..... i will have much more to post later, some crazy stories to come. i hope everyone is well.

well i'm going to China in a few days. Sounds like a classic mission trip, but I am excited that God has me on it. I think it will affect me in ways I could never predict. The hardest part is being away from my wife and kids for 2 and a half weeks. that a damn long time. If it crosses your mind, please pray for me, the team, and the hmong people we will be working with over the next few weeks. it's appreciated. thats it, i love everyone.

here's a top 5:

favorite things as of right now...
1. frolf
2. golf
3. lost
4. friends
5. wine

Sled Master
Originally uploaded by joshpool.

My Kids have a new blog, it's badical, go check it out.